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Experiencing refusal, notably when it happens repeatedly, is not a great feeling. An editor is saying no, giving a firm “Nope.” Working in writing, I am well acquainted with rejection. I commenced pitching manuscripts five decades ago, just after finishing university. Over the years, I have had two novels turned down, along with nonfiction proposals and countless short stories. In the last score of years, focusing on op-eds, the rejections have grown more frequent. On average, I receive a setback multiple times weekly—amounting to more than 100 each year. In total, rejections over my career run into thousands. At this point, I might as well have a PhD in handling no’s.

However, does this seem like a complaining outburst? Far from it. As, at last, at the age of 73, I have come to terms with being turned down.

In What Way Did I Achieve This?

A bit of background: Now, just about each individual and their distant cousin has said no. I haven’t counted my success rate—it would be deeply dispiriting.

A case in point: lately, a newspaper editor rejected 20 pieces consecutively before saying yes to one. In 2016, no fewer than 50 publishing houses vetoed my memoir proposal before one gave the green light. A few years later, 25 representatives passed on a nonfiction book proposal. One editor even asked that I send my work less frequently.

My Seven Stages of Setback

In my 20s, each denial hurt. I felt attacked. It was not just my work was being turned down, but myself.

As soon as a piece was rejected, I would start the process of setback:

• Initially, shock. What went wrong? Why would these people be blind to my talent?
• Second, denial. Certainly you’ve rejected the mistake? It has to be an administrative error.
• Third, dismissal. What do editors know? Who made you to judge on my work? It’s nonsense and your publication is poor. I deny your no.
• Fourth, frustration at the rejecters, then anger at myself. Why do I subject myself to this? Am I a glutton for punishment?
• Fifth, negotiating (often accompanied by false hope). How can I convince you to recognise me as a exceptional creator?
• Then, depression. I lack skill. Worse, I’ll never be successful.

So it went through my 30s, 40s and 50s.

Notable Precedents

Certainly, I was in good company. Accounts of creators whose books was initially declined are numerous. Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. James Joyce’s Dubliners. Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22. Nearly each renowned author was first rejected. Because they managed to persevere, then perhaps I could, too. The sports icon was dropped from his school team. Most American leaders over the last 60 years had previously lost elections. Sylvester Stallone estimates that his Rocky screenplay and attempt to appear were declined 1,500 times. For him, denial as someone blowing a bugle to rouse me and keep moving, rather than retreat,” he remarked.

Acceptance

Then, as I reached my later years, I reached the last step of rejection. Peace. Currently, I better understand the many reasons why a publisher says no. For starters, an editor may have recently run a similar piece, or be planning one underway, or simply be contemplating something along the same lines for a different writer.

Alternatively, unfortunately, my pitch is not appealing. Or maybe the reader feels I lack the credentials or reputation to fit the bill. Or isn’t in the market for the wares I am offering. Maybe was busy and reviewed my submission hastily to recognize its quality.

You can call it an epiphany. Any work can be turned down, and for numerous reasons, and there is almost nothing you can do about it. Some reasons for denial are permanently out of your hands.

Your Responsibility

Additional reasons are your fault. Admittedly, my proposals may occasionally be ill-conceived. They may be irrelevant and impact, or the idea I am trying to express is poorly presented. Or I’m being flagrantly unoriginal. Maybe an aspect about my writing style, particularly semicolons, was offensive.

The essence is that, in spite of all my long career and rejection, I have achieved widely published. I’ve authored several titles—the initial one when I was 51, the next, a memoir, at 65—and in excess of numerous essays. Those pieces have featured in newspapers big and little, in regional, worldwide outlets. My first op-ed ran when I was 26—and I have now submitted to various outlets for 50 years.

Yet, no major hits, no author events in bookshops, no appearances on popular shows, no Ted Talks, no honors, no Pulitzers, no international recognition, and no Presidential Medal. But I can more easily handle rejection at 73, because my, admittedly modest achievements have eased the jolts of my frequent denials. I can afford to be thoughtful about it all now.

Valuable Setbacks

Setback can be educational, but only if you pay attention to what it’s trying to teach. Or else, you will probably just keep seeing denial all wrong. So what insights have I learned?

{Here’s my advice|My recommendations|What